Over the last couple of years, I started my transformation into a different woman. I let go of a lot of worry which I believed only led to unnecessary stress and binge eating on Hot Tamales. I wouldn’t let go about how others perceived me. It petrified me. I would find excuses not to follow through with something, talk to someone new, implement a fabulous idea because I just wasn’t “ready”. What would people say about me or think about me if I didn’t speak the right truths, the correct words, have unique ideas?? Or what if I just straight up failed? I had such a low level of self worth. You would not know this about me. Not even my family or friends knew this. And it only surfaced one year into my Rodan+Fields business. It really affected the growth of my business, but, more importantly my ability to interact with people. It took me almost 2 years – like very recently to open myself up and be vulnerable and let people in. It was scary. What if they thought I was a fraud? What if they didn’t like the real me? What if they didn’t absolutely love my dance moves?? Kidding. Everyone loves my dancing.
About 2 years ago, I had big, big goals and failed miserably. I blamed myself for all of it. I was an enormous marshmallow full of failure fluff. I was a sweet failure fluff ball. I worked SO hard, sacrificed time with my family, sleep – even said no to Netflix and it all just fell apart. My business was falling apart and it happened slowly over 6 months. This was my livelihood and I couldn’t control it. I chose the wrong people to join me in life and in business. They weren’t bad people – they were very kind, smart and loving but THIS was not part of their journey and it was SO HARD for me to accept. I kept asking myself “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I do this?” “I just suck – I totally suck.” “I’m not a good leader.” I was self-critical and very hard on myself. After months of shaming myself and how much I didn’t deserve to lead, to succeed, to be acknowledged – I really believed it. But no way would I let anyone see this weak side. It was my little secret. And here I was again – fearful of what people would think of me if they knew that’s how I felt about myself. This happy girl was just a facade. I managed to come out of this dark place with the help of a wonderful business coach who forced me to only do things that made me happy, laugh, feel joy again and fall back in love with my life and with me. That’s another story – just know that it worked. I was starting my transformation and my life and business began to take a turn for the better.
I reflect about why things happened. A large part was God telling me to let go and that I could not control everything. I needed to trust Him and trust my heart. My head was always talking me out of things and telling me horrible, mean and lies about who I was. And so, I learned to trust and listen to my heart through prayer and meditation.
Don’t you think it’s funny that we all have such deep, scary insecurities that we make shit up in our heads about how we are not good enough, smart enough, worthy enough? Yet, those people who know us see us say the complete opposite! Why can’t we convince ourselves that we are magnificent, gorgeous, sparkly human beings who have SO MUCH to give, SO MUCH to share, SO MUCH to say and it IS important. So Who is the liar here? That stupid voice in our head keeps us from living our lives fully, experiencing joy and happiness through living alongside our fears – even if it is scary. But scary is good. Scary changes us.
So this year is my year of YES – saying YES to things that scare me. I have been working on a couple of projects – starting up a blog about these fears I had and these experiences I went through in my head and my heart. I’m also putting myself out there publicly – which scares the crap out of me – I’ll be wearing Depends over the next few months for those times I’ll want to shit my pants. But this is the cost of having a life where I want to make an impact. Something that I’ve always yearned to do but never knew I’d be good at. I’m not just good. I’m GREAT at it. And now I’m going to lead others to do the same. Does anyone have coupons for Depends because I have a feeling I’m going to need a lot of them over the next 6 months or so. This time though, I’m not looking for approval. I’m doing this for me because I know there are others who need my help, want to hear my story and who I can help. This time I won’t call myself names. I’ll just laugh at myself and be a scientist and investigate what I could have done better and know that I tried my best. And sometimes my best isn’t going to fly for some people, and that’s OK.
Man, that’s a lot. So I leave you this lesson:
YOU ARE DESERVING OF EVERYTHING YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE. You are magnificent and unique. Go easy on yourself and forgive yourself. Listen – listen to your heart and turn off the noise in your head. Your heart will always lead you to the right path. When you make the wrong turn and get lost, ask for help and you will eventually find yourself on the right path. Most of all love YOU – every inch, inside and out.
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